Courage
I recently finished reading the book The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. This book explains the theories of Alfred Adler, the founder of the school of Individual Psychology, and how he thinks we can all live a happier, more meaningful life. The book is written as a discussion between a philosopher and a young man who is feeling a bit lost in life. Throughout the discussion, the young man attempts to counter the ideals of Adlerian Psychology, as the philosopher slowly begins to change the man’s mind and how he sees the world. I recommend the book to anyone who is interested in questioning the way they see and think about things. I’m not saying that this is the right way, but it poses some interesting questions and thought-provoking principles.
The book does a great job of explaining everything and I didn’t feel out of my depth at all while reading it. I’m obviously not going to cover everything in the book, but hopefully, I cover enough to interest someone in reading the book. It would make for a great conversation.
In the story, the philosopher says the first step to happiness is changing the way we think, by focusing on present goals as opposed to cause and effect. The study of causation (aetiology) means we continue to look to our past to explain our current situation or circumstance. This means that our present and future has already been decided by past experiences. On the other hand, the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon (teleology) focuses on our objectives and why we have made a certain decision. An example of this is people wanting to get into a certain industry or a particular job, but they are underqualified or don’t know enough about it. So, they reach the conclusion that it’s unattainable because of their lack of experience. We’re content with this reasoning because it’s what we actually want.
Telling ourselves the story, “I would be doing X if it weren’t for Y”, is called a “life-lie” and they can be applied to most circumstances. The philosopher says that we like to shift the responsibility of where we are in life to other people and events, but the truth is we are the ones who decide our own lifestyles. Having courage to choose our own path is a focal point of Adlerian psychology and understanding that there is nothing (except for ourselves) preventing us from doing what we want to do, is the first step towards happiness.
The philosopher goes so far as to say that trauma does not exist, and people fabricate their anger. When speaking of trauma Adler said,
“No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences — the so-called trauma — but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”
Adler sees anger as a tool that can be used when necessary and can be stopped, just as quickly as an outburst may arise.
The discussion focuses on our ability to change a lot more than we may think. The man mentions that one day he would like to be like X, then he would be happy. The philosopher says that this is living in the ‘realm of possibility’ and as long as we live there, we can never be happy. This is an excuse not to change. Instead, deciding on our actions in the present and forgetting about the past, is the best way to move forward. I’ve blamed a lot of things on my past and came up with reasons why I hadn’t done something yet. But if I apply Adler’s psychology, then all I would need to do is start now, to move towards anything I want to achieve.
A very important point that Adlerian Psychology is based on is that all our problems are “interpersonal relationship problems”. This means that all the problems we have in our lives are because of other people. If we were alone on the planet, we wouldn’t have anything to worry about. Whether we’re feeling insecure, inferior or even superior, this all relates to how we think we are perceived by others. Some may even use their inferiority to make themselves feel superior or rationalise their situation. The philosopher states that
“as long as one continues to use one’s misfortune to one’s advantage in order to feel ‘special’, one will always need that misfortune.”
A common phrase used to emphasise this point is, “You don’t know how I feel”. To resolve this problem, he says we have to find self-acceptance, once we are comfortable with who we are, then our problems will go away.
I could ramble on for ages about the different ways of looking at things and the common “life-lies” we tell ourselves, but I won’t do that for now. I may come back to Adlerian Psychology at another time after I’ve explored the topic further. For now, I would like to just expand on courage, as it is so important to Adlerian Psychology. The philosopher emphasises that having the courage to accept who we are is paramount to achieving happiness. He says, “Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept ‘this me’ just as it is. And have the courage to change what one can change. That is self-acceptance.” This is very similar to the Serenity Prayer
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
I understand that what I have written here may not come across that congruently and may not interest people the way it has interested me. I have left out many ideas and approaches to living a happier life explored in the book. Just like the young man in the story, it definitely changed the way I approach life. Even if it’s a philosophy that you disagree with, hearing an opposing side is always helpful and I intend to look for philosophies that may oppose this one. But this book resonated with me and writing down some of these ideas has helped me grasp the concepts a bit better.
